Two nights ago I was exiting my bed to go to the restroom and the room started spinning out of control. It brought me to my knees. My dinner didn't want to stay down and I broke out in a cold sweat. I've been dizzy now for two days. Not fun at all but this isn't the first time in my life that this has happened to me. When I finally went to sleep two nights ago I dreamed of the memories of that first time and it's been on my mind ever since. It's time to share.
When I was seventeen I was dating the man that would be my first husband. We had picked out two puppies that were going to be ours and I had brought them home, much to the dislike of my parents. One day during the summer break I was in our back bathroom playing with the pups on the floor. They were jumping and trying to lick my face. As I jerked my head up to keep from getting licked an overwhelming dizziness hit so bad that waves of nausea over took me. Luckily I was in the restroom already. I threw up several times while the dizziness continued in waves. I called my mom and told her what had happened and she told me to rest. I realized while I was on the couch that I had not done my chores that day yet. I believe in typical teenager fashion I had put them off till the last minute. My parents were very strict about my chores getting done so I was afraid.
I talked to my then boyfriend on the phone telling him what had happened and that I was afraid of getting in trouble for not doing my chores. He offered to walk to my house and do them for me. Although I knew that this was against another house room (No boys in the house without parents) I figured he would be gone before they got home. I knew that the dizziness would not let me do it so I agreed. It took him an hour or so but he showed up and while I lay on the couch he did all my chores.
Being summer in AZ it was very hot and by now very late and I was concerned that he would get heat stroke walking home. So I ask him to wait on the Porch for one of my parents to take him home. I was convinced that once they knew that he came to my rescue that they would like him. I was very very wrong.
My father came home first and seeing my boyfriend on the porch became very angry. Enraged would be a better word. He started yelling at me and calling me and my boyfriend names. My boyfriend remained on the porch not wanting to interrupt my father. My father told me that I was not to see the boy again and wouldn't listen when I tried to tell him what had happened. At one point I think some sort of death wish came over me or maybe I was just fed up with the abuse I had put up with. I dizzily stood to my feet and declared that I was moving out then. Shaking I stumbled to my bedroom only to have my father follow screaming the whole way. I don't remember all that was said but I do remember sailing across my bed from the slap that came with such force that is broke my glasses and cut my nose. I ended up wedged between my bed and the wall. He came after me again and I started to scream. I was terrified I was sure that this time he was going to really hurt me. I could feel the hate and anger coming off him. The rest is a blur but I do remember him telling me that he was going to give my boyfriend a ride and dispose of him.
I had no idea what my father would do but it turns out he took him home with a threat. My boyfriend had no idea what had gone on in our house that day until I could see him again a week later. He was very upset that he didn't stop my father but it turns out he would have other chances to defend me and fail.
I don't know if he ever told my mother what happened. I do know when she saw my glasses and face I lied and said I fell in my dizziness and hit my face on the wall. Typical response for someone conditioned by unpredictable rage.
This episode is very different than that one in many ways but the feelings it has stirring in me are very familiar.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
1st Marriages are forever. Part 1
When I got married the first time it was forever. At least that is what I thought at the time. I still think it should be and in a way it still is if you have children with 1st spouse. They never go away. Even if they aren’t physically there you have to deal with the aftermath of that loss in your children every day of their lives.
I met my first husband when I was 17 years old. We both worked at Montgomery Wards at Valley west mall. I worked in the men’s department and was cross training in the Shoe department on his first day. He was a hansom 18 year old that liked to dress in sans a belt pants. (Give him a break is was just after the disco craze.) He was also the most annoying, arrogant person I had ever met. He followed me around that whole day asking for a kiss. I couldn’t stand him. He considered himself and atheist and a player. I considered him icky.
We worked together for probably a month or two the time table gets fuzzy around this part of it. He continued to ask me out daily and I continued to say no. But one day I said ok, but the only place I will go with you is to church. I figured that would shut him up but he said ok and I was stuck, I had to take him to church.
My father seemed to hate him on sight. Not a very good thing for a minister to do but what can I say I’m his only child. I started taking him to church and it didn’t go well. My father is an Assembly of God minister and the AG churches are very charismatic and therefore foreign to most Christian people and down right weird to non Christians. The first time he attended and evening prayer meeting and there was an overly spiritual alter call he made fun of it. While people were at the alter lifting their hands and speaking in tongues there he stood in the back of the church in the sight of my father making fun of them. I was horrified. But still he came with me every week. During this time my heart softened to him because I could see that he was hurting and like many young girls we think we can fix the broken boy. I too fell into this trap. Then one night we had a special speaker at church. I can’t tell you what he said but I know something snapped in (Let’s call him Chris) Chris’s heart. I got up from the alter to return to my seat and Chris was not there. I found Chris in the grass outside the church crying. He said he felt empty inside and that he wanted what I had. I prayed with him there in the grass that night. The next morning Chris called me and was elated. He said he had a dream that he wrestled with the devil all night long but that he had won the fight. He felt like a new man.
So it began…..Needless to say we fell in love and my father most definitely did not. He was not happy about me dating much less dating Chris. This caused some major problems in my family which basically pushed me out the door as quickly as possible.
That is a different story thread for a different time.
So basically I met Chris at 17 and married him at 18. Looking back now I can see that I even though I truly did love Chris, I was in desperate need to leave my house. I felt it was a matter of my safety. I don’t think I would have rushed if hadn’t been afraid at home. But who knows what I would have done. Chris and I were married in June 1983. He was 20 and I turned 19 the next month. We were poor but happy….for the most part.
We continued having issues with my father that put a strain on our marriage but we were good together at least for a while anyway.
I can look back now and say it started falling apart the year Chris’s father died. I don’t know the exact year. I think we had been married 4 or 5 years by then. Our marriage had survived a horrible motorcycle accident and bankruptcy. But his father dieing did him in mentally. He hadn’t gotten to see his father much because he had moved away from his children when Chris’s mother and he got divorced. He lived in Vermont and they move to Arizona. Chris maybe saw his dad twice between the age of 10 and 20. Funny thing about absence sometimes it makes a child put their absent parent on a pedestal. This is what Chris had done. When his dad died the grief mixed with regret overwhelmed him and everything changed.
I met my first husband when I was 17 years old. We both worked at Montgomery Wards at Valley west mall. I worked in the men’s department and was cross training in the Shoe department on his first day. He was a hansom 18 year old that liked to dress in sans a belt pants. (Give him a break is was just after the disco craze.) He was also the most annoying, arrogant person I had ever met. He followed me around that whole day asking for a kiss. I couldn’t stand him. He considered himself and atheist and a player. I considered him icky.
We worked together for probably a month or two the time table gets fuzzy around this part of it. He continued to ask me out daily and I continued to say no. But one day I said ok, but the only place I will go with you is to church. I figured that would shut him up but he said ok and I was stuck, I had to take him to church.
My father seemed to hate him on sight. Not a very good thing for a minister to do but what can I say I’m his only child. I started taking him to church and it didn’t go well. My father is an Assembly of God minister and the AG churches are very charismatic and therefore foreign to most Christian people and down right weird to non Christians. The first time he attended and evening prayer meeting and there was an overly spiritual alter call he made fun of it. While people were at the alter lifting their hands and speaking in tongues there he stood in the back of the church in the sight of my father making fun of them. I was horrified. But still he came with me every week. During this time my heart softened to him because I could see that he was hurting and like many young girls we think we can fix the broken boy. I too fell into this trap. Then one night we had a special speaker at church. I can’t tell you what he said but I know something snapped in (Let’s call him Chris) Chris’s heart. I got up from the alter to return to my seat and Chris was not there. I found Chris in the grass outside the church crying. He said he felt empty inside and that he wanted what I had. I prayed with him there in the grass that night. The next morning Chris called me and was elated. He said he had a dream that he wrestled with the devil all night long but that he had won the fight. He felt like a new man.
So it began…..Needless to say we fell in love and my father most definitely did not. He was not happy about me dating much less dating Chris. This caused some major problems in my family which basically pushed me out the door as quickly as possible.
That is a different story thread for a different time.
So basically I met Chris at 17 and married him at 18. Looking back now I can see that I even though I truly did love Chris, I was in desperate need to leave my house. I felt it was a matter of my safety. I don’t think I would have rushed if hadn’t been afraid at home. But who knows what I would have done. Chris and I were married in June 1983. He was 20 and I turned 19 the next month. We were poor but happy….for the most part.
We continued having issues with my father that put a strain on our marriage but we were good together at least for a while anyway.
I can look back now and say it started falling apart the year Chris’s father died. I don’t know the exact year. I think we had been married 4 or 5 years by then. Our marriage had survived a horrible motorcycle accident and bankruptcy. But his father dieing did him in mentally. He hadn’t gotten to see his father much because he had moved away from his children when Chris’s mother and he got divorced. He lived in Vermont and they move to Arizona. Chris maybe saw his dad twice between the age of 10 and 20. Funny thing about absence sometimes it makes a child put their absent parent on a pedestal. This is what Chris had done. When his dad died the grief mixed with regret overwhelmed him and everything changed.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
It's time.
Well I guess it's time. I can't avoid writing about certain things and people in my life any more. I'm supposed to get this all down on paper but to tell you the truth it scares the hell out of me. I'm sure if anyone involved with these stories I haven't written yet were to read them they would be hurt or angry but, I'm going to try very hard to tell them with truth from my perspective. I'm not trying to hurt anyone I just want to share what I have learned about God through these experiences life thrown me.
As in any situation everyone involved sees it from their side. Take a look at all the sides and the truth is usually in the middle. I am an over analyser however and I try to look at things from all side and take my part of the ownership of any situation. I'm sure however that there are times I'm still not seeing clearly. I hope that there aren't very many of those left.
So I guess the next few story blogs you read will be some of the hardest to write. They have been by far the most painful memories and situations I have ever been in. The people involved are still in my life and I will try my best to protect them without compromising the truth as I see it.
Pray for me.
As in any situation everyone involved sees it from their side. Take a look at all the sides and the truth is usually in the middle. I am an over analyser however and I try to look at things from all side and take my part of the ownership of any situation. I'm sure however that there are times I'm still not seeing clearly. I hope that there aren't very many of those left.
So I guess the next few story blogs you read will be some of the hardest to write. They have been by far the most painful memories and situations I have ever been in. The people involved are still in my life and I will try my best to protect them without compromising the truth as I see it.
Pray for me.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Difference
Today I was confronted with the friends and family of two couples that have chosen to divorce for frivolous reasons and both have children. I learned of a wayward daughter who struggles with addiction and is pining away for a abusive boyfriend that's in jail. I also learned of a father who at the age of 54 has been told by his parents that he can't move back in with them unless he goes to rehab for his severe drug and alcohol addiction. I've struggled this last week with certain people in my own life that are hurting and try to hurt my family due to their own inability to take responsibility for their own actions. It's all very sad.
This is the world we live in,lost and fallen, without God. Although I can stand here and say without doubt that the people above do not know Christ and desperately need him. I also can tell you that there are people within our church today with the very same issues. They live in a perpetually fallen state and choose to walk the line of sin and repentance. I listened to one of my favorite ministers today that was talking about Christians wearing too many bracklets. They have the WWJD (What would Jesus do) bracklet because they truly love the Lord but when it come to sin in their lives they also wear the WWOD (what would Oprah Do)bracklet or WDCMS (What does Cosmo Mag Say) or how about the ever popular... WWMFD (What would my friends do) bracklet. Yes there are many among our ranks that have bought into the worlds morality. We think we have just a little, but the reality is that it's a lot. How many of us have come to think that Jesus just wants us to be happy or that it's ok to live with your boyfried. How about if your husbands a jerk and he not the nicest person in the world it's ok to divorce him?
My point is this. The only standard that is exceptable to measure what we should and shouldn't do as Christians is Gods word. Period. If we don't follow it all or we make exceptions for this standard we are kidding ourselves.
Revelation 3:16 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
God's not talking to sinners here he is talking to the church. He is telling us to get with the program or get off the bus. No more compromising no more excuses for sin in your life.
We as people who profess to be Christians need to start acting CHRIST LIKE. So that we can be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. Otherwise we are hipocrits and they won't even listen to us. Sounds harsh I know but we need to wake up. Paul was this brutal too. Maybe it's time we listened to him too.
This is the world we live in,lost and fallen, without God. Although I can stand here and say without doubt that the people above do not know Christ and desperately need him. I also can tell you that there are people within our church today with the very same issues. They live in a perpetually fallen state and choose to walk the line of sin and repentance. I listened to one of my favorite ministers today that was talking about Christians wearing too many bracklets. They have the WWJD (What would Jesus do) bracklet because they truly love the Lord but when it come to sin in their lives they also wear the WWOD (what would Oprah Do)bracklet or WDCMS (What does Cosmo Mag Say) or how about the ever popular... WWMFD (What would my friends do) bracklet. Yes there are many among our ranks that have bought into the worlds morality. We think we have just a little, but the reality is that it's a lot. How many of us have come to think that Jesus just wants us to be happy or that it's ok to live with your boyfried. How about if your husbands a jerk and he not the nicest person in the world it's ok to divorce him?
My point is this. The only standard that is exceptable to measure what we should and shouldn't do as Christians is Gods word. Period. If we don't follow it all or we make exceptions for this standard we are kidding ourselves.
Revelation 3:16 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
God's not talking to sinners here he is talking to the church. He is telling us to get with the program or get off the bus. No more compromising no more excuses for sin in your life.
We as people who profess to be Christians need to start acting CHRIST LIKE. So that we can be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. Otherwise we are hipocrits and they won't even listen to us. Sounds harsh I know but we need to wake up. Paul was this brutal too. Maybe it's time we listened to him too.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The High Road.
Have you ever had someone in your life that was so delusional that most of what they say didn’t make sense? Someone that Satan has a hold of so hard that they project their anger and meanness on you or whoever has the misfortune of being in their path?
I can’t stand before you blameless none of us can for sure. There have been times I have said inappropriate things in the heat of the moment. Mostly trying to stop the madness coming at me, only to regret it later. I think we all do that sometimes we are only human.
There are only a few of people in my life that bring me to that place. One where my nature is tried and the measure of patience God has given me wears thin.
I try and take the high road. Sometimes I stumble and fall a bit but I get up and brush myself off and set the pace again. (Yes I know you all are thinking I fall a lot anyway. LOL)
God has made me tough with everything I’ve been through I’m still standing. I still push through the ugly to get to the beautiful.
Today I woke up feeling less than. Not sure why maybe it’s hormones maybe it’s the enemy telling me I’m not worthy. Three A.M. this morning I woke up upset and began to pray. I wish this growth thing was easy but it’s not. I still say things I shouldn’t put my foot in my mouth occasionally and am too honest with people sometimes. I get better every day though at least I think I do.
If I am not and you catch me falling please pick me up and point me up hill.
I can’t stand before you blameless none of us can for sure. There have been times I have said inappropriate things in the heat of the moment. Mostly trying to stop the madness coming at me, only to regret it later. I think we all do that sometimes we are only human.
There are only a few of people in my life that bring me to that place. One where my nature is tried and the measure of patience God has given me wears thin.
I try and take the high road. Sometimes I stumble and fall a bit but I get up and brush myself off and set the pace again. (Yes I know you all are thinking I fall a lot anyway. LOL)
God has made me tough with everything I’ve been through I’m still standing. I still push through the ugly to get to the beautiful.
Today I woke up feeling less than. Not sure why maybe it’s hormones maybe it’s the enemy telling me I’m not worthy. Three A.M. this morning I woke up upset and began to pray. I wish this growth thing was easy but it’s not. I still say things I shouldn’t put my foot in my mouth occasionally and am too honest with people sometimes. I get better every day though at least I think I do.
If I am not and you catch me falling please pick me up and point me up hill.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Art of Falling
I have taken falling to a new place. I have single handedly elevated it to an Art Form. You really have to see it to appreciate how good I am at it.
Yes in case you haven't figured it out yet I have taken another tumble and it was a hard one. I do things with gusto.. I over achieve at falling with style. I have fallen so many times I am unable to count them all.
It occurred to me right after I fell this time, as I was hiking up the side of a mountain behind my family trying not to let them know that I was really hurt, that I had only seen my mother fall once in my life. I was five or six and she had just dropped me off at the morning day care. As I watched her through the screen door make her way back to the car, she tripped on a tree root and took a tumble. I remember being mortified that my mother had fallen. It were as though I had put her on the level of super hero and when she fell I realized she was mortal.
I wonder if my two girls have ever thought of me as being a super hero? Do I want them too? I don't think that I do. I think I would rather them see me fall and get back up and keep going. Just a normal human that gets cuts and bruises along life's way and in the process holds the Lords hand as he helps me up.
I have fallen a lot in my life. Literally and figuratively, but I find that both make me stronger as I learn to rely on God.
So here I sit again healing my wounds and pride and watching yet another scar heal. Hopefully, another battle wound that gives God glory.
Yes in case you haven't figured it out yet I have taken another tumble and it was a hard one. I do things with gusto.. I over achieve at falling with style. I have fallen so many times I am unable to count them all.
It occurred to me right after I fell this time, as I was hiking up the side of a mountain behind my family trying not to let them know that I was really hurt, that I had only seen my mother fall once in my life. I was five or six and she had just dropped me off at the morning day care. As I watched her through the screen door make her way back to the car, she tripped on a tree root and took a tumble. I remember being mortified that my mother had fallen. It were as though I had put her on the level of super hero and when she fell I realized she was mortal.
I wonder if my two girls have ever thought of me as being a super hero? Do I want them too? I don't think that I do. I think I would rather them see me fall and get back up and keep going. Just a normal human that gets cuts and bruises along life's way and in the process holds the Lords hand as he helps me up.
I have fallen a lot in my life. Literally and figuratively, but I find that both make me stronger as I learn to rely on God.
So here I sit again healing my wounds and pride and watching yet another scar heal. Hopefully, another battle wound that gives God glory.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
When you Lose.
Everyone loses things. Sometimes it's keys sometimes it's love. You can't get through life without losing something. I have lost my share of keys and love and I can say that neither are fun and they both cause problems but in different ways.
In 1997 I found myself pregnant and looking for a new church. The church we had just left I had been the (volunteer) music minister of for about a year give or take a few months. It was a very small church and it had been struggling for awhile. It closed it's doors and so my family was looking for a new church. I found what I was looking for after a few months of looking. A place I could serve where the people were friendly the minister was a good speaker and the music was great.
The family seemed to like it and soon I found my self sitting on the stage on the worship team very very pregnant next to another lovely pregnant woman. We grew wide together it was like a race. She was due in Jan I was due in December. We ended up having our baby girls one day apart. Hers December 16th one month early and I was induced with Aspyn December 17th. I feel as though I have a special bond with my prego buddy and I can't hardly beleive our daughters are 12. That was the beginning of the story.
I attended this church for 6 years. Longer than I had any other church in my adulthood. I had some very good friend there but when the Lord says go you go no matter what it cost you.
One of the things I have tried to work on over the years is obediance. Obediance to God is very hard sometimes and can be very painful. But is necessary in your spiritual walk.
I served on this churches worship team for the entire time. I was in essence the lead female since I didn't know harmony I sang melody with the worship leader (Lets call him Carl). He was a very nice and talented married man that had been there for years. I saw singers come and go. Some were very good and some were not so great but they improved over time.
The trouble started about year five I guess. A beautiful woman ( we will call her Lisa) and her husband joined our church and started playing and singing on the worship team. Lisa was a free spirit. She always reminded me of a modern hippy for Jesus. She started singing with a trio a friend and I had put together. I liked her alot and we got to know each other pretty well. She had started hanging out with the music minister Carl and writing music. She was very talented. One day at a trio rehearsal she started telling us about how much she wished her husband could be more like Carl. How her husband just wasn't as spiritual as she would like him. We became very concerned that she had a major crush on Carl and that wasn't good for anyone involved. So we decided to pray about it. You really have to be on your toes in ministery and since I had some experience in this area I felt compelled to talk to the music minister about this. I approached him and tried to approach the subject very gently. We had notice that Lisa always hung out after worship when everyone else went home. It didn't look good and we thought she had a bit of a crush on him. Maybe he should keep an eye on things... He said he would and that was that. Except that wasn't that... Things kept progressing and more people on the worship team started noticing things between Carl and Lisa. So as the bible says we went to Carl as a group. There was four of us that made an appointment with him. One of us unfortunately decided to talk to him on her own before we met with him and he decided to cover his tracks before our meeting. He went to the pastor and told him that I was stirring up trouble and I was jelous of Lisa. Then Carl ask his wife to come to our meeting I think in hopes to show her he had nothing to hide. The meeting was a disaster of sorts. Carl denighed any inappropriate behavior and I was called by the pastor and told that I was wrong and causeing trouble. I was crushed and confused. So I got on my knees.
You see I have always been very bold and try very hard to do the right thing even when it's hard. I ask the Lord what he wanted me to do and he told me to leave. Leave a church I loved because the truth would not be seen while I was there. The focus had been shifted successfully by Carl from himself to me. So I had to go. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I left once again in search of a new church. After I was gone the affair that happened between Carl and Lisa continued for a few more months. Then one day the light came on and everyone saw it. Lisa and her husband were made to leave the church and Lisa was told to break all contact with Carl. Carl was made to go to counceling and his wife chose to stay and work it out. I received a phone call one day from Lisa's husband at my work. He had been told by my trio buddy what I had done and he wanted to thank me for my sacrifice. Carls wife thanked me the next time she saw me too. It felt good to know my sacrafice was not in vain. But the pain of having to walk away yet again from a church family I loved had made a very deep mark of loss on my spirit.
It has taken me a while now to make friends at my new church because I was afraid I guess of having to leave again, and of the politics and the judgement that happens so often in churches.
But Parkway, in a lot of ways very different and I'm very thankful God led me and my family there. There have been wonderous changes in my family since attending 3 1/2 years ago. God is good and always faithful.
In 1997 I found myself pregnant and looking for a new church. The church we had just left I had been the (volunteer) music minister of for about a year give or take a few months. It was a very small church and it had been struggling for awhile. It closed it's doors and so my family was looking for a new church. I found what I was looking for after a few months of looking. A place I could serve where the people were friendly the minister was a good speaker and the music was great.
The family seemed to like it and soon I found my self sitting on the stage on the worship team very very pregnant next to another lovely pregnant woman. We grew wide together it was like a race. She was due in Jan I was due in December. We ended up having our baby girls one day apart. Hers December 16th one month early and I was induced with Aspyn December 17th. I feel as though I have a special bond with my prego buddy and I can't hardly beleive our daughters are 12. That was the beginning of the story.
I attended this church for 6 years. Longer than I had any other church in my adulthood. I had some very good friend there but when the Lord says go you go no matter what it cost you.
One of the things I have tried to work on over the years is obediance. Obediance to God is very hard sometimes and can be very painful. But is necessary in your spiritual walk.
I served on this churches worship team for the entire time. I was in essence the lead female since I didn't know harmony I sang melody with the worship leader (Lets call him Carl). He was a very nice and talented married man that had been there for years. I saw singers come and go. Some were very good and some were not so great but they improved over time.
The trouble started about year five I guess. A beautiful woman ( we will call her Lisa) and her husband joined our church and started playing and singing on the worship team. Lisa was a free spirit. She always reminded me of a modern hippy for Jesus. She started singing with a trio a friend and I had put together. I liked her alot and we got to know each other pretty well. She had started hanging out with the music minister Carl and writing music. She was very talented. One day at a trio rehearsal she started telling us about how much she wished her husband could be more like Carl. How her husband just wasn't as spiritual as she would like him. We became very concerned that she had a major crush on Carl and that wasn't good for anyone involved. So we decided to pray about it. You really have to be on your toes in ministery and since I had some experience in this area I felt compelled to talk to the music minister about this. I approached him and tried to approach the subject very gently. We had notice that Lisa always hung out after worship when everyone else went home. It didn't look good and we thought she had a bit of a crush on him. Maybe he should keep an eye on things... He said he would and that was that. Except that wasn't that... Things kept progressing and more people on the worship team started noticing things between Carl and Lisa. So as the bible says we went to Carl as a group. There was four of us that made an appointment with him. One of us unfortunately decided to talk to him on her own before we met with him and he decided to cover his tracks before our meeting. He went to the pastor and told him that I was stirring up trouble and I was jelous of Lisa. Then Carl ask his wife to come to our meeting I think in hopes to show her he had nothing to hide. The meeting was a disaster of sorts. Carl denighed any inappropriate behavior and I was called by the pastor and told that I was wrong and causeing trouble. I was crushed and confused. So I got on my knees.
You see I have always been very bold and try very hard to do the right thing even when it's hard. I ask the Lord what he wanted me to do and he told me to leave. Leave a church I loved because the truth would not be seen while I was there. The focus had been shifted successfully by Carl from himself to me. So I had to go. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I left once again in search of a new church. After I was gone the affair that happened between Carl and Lisa continued for a few more months. Then one day the light came on and everyone saw it. Lisa and her husband were made to leave the church and Lisa was told to break all contact with Carl. Carl was made to go to counceling and his wife chose to stay and work it out. I received a phone call one day from Lisa's husband at my work. He had been told by my trio buddy what I had done and he wanted to thank me for my sacrifice. Carls wife thanked me the next time she saw me too. It felt good to know my sacrafice was not in vain. But the pain of having to walk away yet again from a church family I loved had made a very deep mark of loss on my spirit.
It has taken me a while now to make friends at my new church because I was afraid I guess of having to leave again, and of the politics and the judgement that happens so often in churches.
But Parkway, in a lot of ways very different and I'm very thankful God led me and my family there. There have been wonderous changes in my family since attending 3 1/2 years ago. God is good and always faithful.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Resurrection Thoughts
It’s my favorite time of year. I love spring because the flowers are blooming and their sweet scent is in the air. But most of all I love Easter.
For me the air is alive with anticipation. As I write this it’s Good Friday. The day Christ died. Many in Christiandom like to focus on the sacrifice that was made for us. The dieing. Even in the movie Passion of the Christ the emphasis was on the brutality of his death and the resurrection was just touched on, a brief mentioning of the event.
My pastor likes to say that Jesus is a Liar, a Lunatic or Lord. This distinction is significant because of the event we are about to celebrate. You have to look at a man who claimed to be God in the flesh and wonder is he a Liar. How bold to claim deity in a place that worshiped the one true God that prided itself on following rules to holiness. But yet he performed so many miracles in their presence. Was he crazy? A lunatic? Wandering around the countryside convincing men to leave their families and follow him? Preaching things so radically different that he couldn't help but to rile Pharisee feathers?
Or was he Lord? The death of Christ could have been the end if he was a Liar or a Lunatic. While the sacrifice was what was required for the shedding of our sins it was not the completion of the act. For without the Resurrection the sacrifice was not adequate. You see the Jews were required to sacrifice lambs and doves for their sins but the blood only lasted a short time. It only covered so many sins until they had to do it again.
But with Jesus he was to be sacrificed once and for his blood to cover all our sins forever he had to be proved LORD. That was accomplished three days from this Good Friday.
The day that he proved his sacrifice was complete and that he was indeed enough blood to cover everyone’s sins forever. Easter!!! His rising proved that he is My LORD and personal SAVIOUR and that my sins are forgotten and forgiven. So are yours for he indeed is....
JESUS the CHRIST Lord of us all! Happy Resurrection day everyone.
For me the air is alive with anticipation. As I write this it’s Good Friday. The day Christ died. Many in Christiandom like to focus on the sacrifice that was made for us. The dieing. Even in the movie Passion of the Christ the emphasis was on the brutality of his death and the resurrection was just touched on, a brief mentioning of the event.
My pastor likes to say that Jesus is a Liar, a Lunatic or Lord. This distinction is significant because of the event we are about to celebrate. You have to look at a man who claimed to be God in the flesh and wonder is he a Liar. How bold to claim deity in a place that worshiped the one true God that prided itself on following rules to holiness. But yet he performed so many miracles in their presence. Was he crazy? A lunatic? Wandering around the countryside convincing men to leave their families and follow him? Preaching things so radically different that he couldn't help but to rile Pharisee feathers?
Or was he Lord? The death of Christ could have been the end if he was a Liar or a Lunatic. While the sacrifice was what was required for the shedding of our sins it was not the completion of the act. For without the Resurrection the sacrifice was not adequate. You see the Jews were required to sacrifice lambs and doves for their sins but the blood only lasted a short time. It only covered so many sins until they had to do it again.
But with Jesus he was to be sacrificed once and for his blood to cover all our sins forever he had to be proved LORD. That was accomplished three days from this Good Friday.
The day that he proved his sacrifice was complete and that he was indeed enough blood to cover everyone’s sins forever. Easter!!! His rising proved that he is My LORD and personal SAVIOUR and that my sins are forgotten and forgiven. So are yours for he indeed is....
JESUS the CHRIST Lord of us all! Happy Resurrection day everyone.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Living in Denial
The human capacity to live in a state of denial is astounding. We deny all kinds of things seemingly on a daily basis. I have witnessed it in all it's forms. It comes in all shapes and sizes.
Denial has a cousin it's name is Justification. Equally as astounding and as old as the original sin. "She made me do it" "It wasn't my fault you gave her to me" I believe was the first utterance of both from the mouth of Adam. And thus started a long and varied relationship we have had with these two destructive words that leave the utterer in darkness.
These two words have often perplexed me. I try my best not to live in either state and find myself looking in the proverbial mirror a little too often than is comfortable. I continually examining my motives for doing this or that so as not to live in neither Denial or justification. But alas I find that I still do it. I still eat way to much at Fajitas when I know that is one of the reasons I can't lose this horrid weight. Or I make a decision based on my comfort rather than what is best and in my mind justify it until the next time I look in the mirror and see what I have done.
Then there are those in my life that only seem to live in denial and justification. I learned of another instance today that made me very angry for a short time and then it made me sad. How horrible and fallen some are, that live their entire lives trying to Justify the mistakes they have made that have hurt the ones they claim to love.
In 1st Peter 1:13-16 we are called to be holy, obedient, self controlled. He asks us to prepare our minds. If we do this, if we strive to do what is required of us. Is there any room for DENIAL and JUSTIFICATION? No! We are called to be Holy as Christ is holy.
<1 Peter 1:13-16
13Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 14As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."
The only acceptable justification was the reason Christ gave his life for us.
Romans 5:18
Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men.
I'm so glad he did and for that wonderful gift I will continue to look habitually in the mirror. Even though I may not like what I see I will strive not to live my life in denial and justification so that he knows I'm thankful for HIS justification and this LIFE he has given me.
Denial has a cousin it's name is Justification. Equally as astounding and as old as the original sin. "She made me do it" "It wasn't my fault you gave her to me" I believe was the first utterance of both from the mouth of Adam. And thus started a long and varied relationship we have had with these two destructive words that leave the utterer in darkness.
These two words have often perplexed me. I try my best not to live in either state and find myself looking in the proverbial mirror a little too often than is comfortable. I continually examining my motives for doing this or that so as not to live in neither Denial or justification. But alas I find that I still do it. I still eat way to much at Fajitas when I know that is one of the reasons I can't lose this horrid weight. Or I make a decision based on my comfort rather than what is best and in my mind justify it until the next time I look in the mirror and see what I have done.
Then there are those in my life that only seem to live in denial and justification. I learned of another instance today that made me very angry for a short time and then it made me sad. How horrible and fallen some are, that live their entire lives trying to Justify the mistakes they have made that have hurt the ones they claim to love.
In 1st Peter 1:13-16 we are called to be holy, obedient, self controlled. He asks us to prepare our minds. If we do this, if we strive to do what is required of us. Is there any room for DENIAL and JUSTIFICATION? No! We are called to be Holy as Christ is holy.
<1 Peter 1:13-16
13Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 14As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."
The only acceptable justification was the reason Christ gave his life for us.
Romans 5:18
Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men.
I'm so glad he did and for that wonderful gift I will continue to look habitually in the mirror. Even though I may not like what I see I will strive not to live my life in denial and justification so that he knows I'm thankful for HIS justification and this LIFE he has given me.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
God has a sense of Humor
A few years after I remarried a problem surfaced. Kayle ( my oldest daughter) hated going over to her Dad's house every other weekend. She never quite felt like part of that family. My ex husband had married his 4th affair after she got divorced. She had three children one boy and twin girls older than Kayle. Kayle wasn't given a bed when she visited she was made to share with the twins or sleep on the couch or floor. She felt like she wasn't there visiting her father, she was there to entertain the kids. She would come home and cry and complain every weekend she was there.
So one day I suggested that maybe if we could find the kids father (we will call him Tom) that we could have the kids over to our house to swim one weekend so she could share her life with them. She thought that was a great idea. She tried to ask for Tom's phone number but was not allowed to have it. So we decided to start praying every night that we would find Tom.
So it went, every night she would close her eyes and ask the Lord to help us find Tom.
At that time I worked for a wonderful company called Orthologic. I can honestly say it was one of the best places to work I have ever experienced and I still have a very close relationship with many of the people I worked with. The only draw back to this wonderful place was that it was in Tempe on Priest and Washington and I lived at the time at 35th Ave and Bell. It was a long drive to say the least. One day I was sitting in my cubical outside the IT director's office and I heard him talking on the speaker phone to the receptionist down stairs. She was telling him that Tom so and so was down stairs in the lobby for him. I can honestly say my heart felt like it stopped cold in my chest. Surely I heard her wrong she didn't say my Tom's name the one that Kayle and I had been praying for!
I got up and ran into the IT directors office and ask what the receptionist had just said. He looked at me puzzled and ask if I were OK. Apparently I was white as a sheet. He confirmed the name that I thought I heard was indeed in the lobby and that he was about to offer him a job. I was stunned. I had ask that God help me find Tom not plop him in my lap! I shared with the director who and what Tom was to me and he felt like Tom should know that I was here before he offered him the job. Because you see, not only was Tom to work here at Orthologic but his desk would be right behind mine.
So I went down stairs and it took him a second or two to recognize me because we hadn't seen each other for a few years Tom had moved to Scottsdale after the divorce. We were neighbors when our respective spouses had an affair. I explained to him that I worked here and that the director was going to offer him a job but thought if best he knew what he was getting into. Needless to say he was just as shaken as I was.
Much to my surprise Tom accepted the position and even though he never did feel comfortable bringing his kids to my house his presence right behind me made a big difference in the quality of life for our children at the other household. You see our ex's could no longer use each other as excuses for not allowing something to happen. We could just ask the other if the truth was being told. The manipulation stopped from the other house and it was glorious.
To top things off Tom is an atheist and I got to witness to him and I told him that Kayle and I prayed to find him so to me he was a gift from God. He didn't like it very much being my gift from God but you can't deny....
The Lord really does have a sense of humor.
So one day I suggested that maybe if we could find the kids father (we will call him Tom) that we could have the kids over to our house to swim one weekend so she could share her life with them. She thought that was a great idea. She tried to ask for Tom's phone number but was not allowed to have it. So we decided to start praying every night that we would find Tom.
So it went, every night she would close her eyes and ask the Lord to help us find Tom.
At that time I worked for a wonderful company called Orthologic. I can honestly say it was one of the best places to work I have ever experienced and I still have a very close relationship with many of the people I worked with. The only draw back to this wonderful place was that it was in Tempe on Priest and Washington and I lived at the time at 35th Ave and Bell. It was a long drive to say the least. One day I was sitting in my cubical outside the IT director's office and I heard him talking on the speaker phone to the receptionist down stairs. She was telling him that Tom so and so was down stairs in the lobby for him. I can honestly say my heart felt like it stopped cold in my chest. Surely I heard her wrong she didn't say my Tom's name the one that Kayle and I had been praying for!
I got up and ran into the IT directors office and ask what the receptionist had just said. He looked at me puzzled and ask if I were OK. Apparently I was white as a sheet. He confirmed the name that I thought I heard was indeed in the lobby and that he was about to offer him a job. I was stunned. I had ask that God help me find Tom not plop him in my lap! I shared with the director who and what Tom was to me and he felt like Tom should know that I was here before he offered him the job. Because you see, not only was Tom to work here at Orthologic but his desk would be right behind mine.
So I went down stairs and it took him a second or two to recognize me because we hadn't seen each other for a few years Tom had moved to Scottsdale after the divorce. We were neighbors when our respective spouses had an affair. I explained to him that I worked here and that the director was going to offer him a job but thought if best he knew what he was getting into. Needless to say he was just as shaken as I was.
Much to my surprise Tom accepted the position and even though he never did feel comfortable bringing his kids to my house his presence right behind me made a big difference in the quality of life for our children at the other household. You see our ex's could no longer use each other as excuses for not allowing something to happen. We could just ask the other if the truth was being told. The manipulation stopped from the other house and it was glorious.
To top things off Tom is an atheist and I got to witness to him and I told him that Kayle and I prayed to find him so to me he was a gift from God. He didn't like it very much being my gift from God but you can't deny....
The Lord really does have a sense of humor.
Friday, February 12, 2010
A Mothers worst nightmare
There have been a few things I've been putting off writing about because of how deep these emotions and memories run and because I don't want to hurt my family in anyway. This story is told with permission from my oldest daughter Kayle.
I was married at age 18 to a man I loved very much. At the time we were each others best friend. We met at the place we worked together and he was not a Christian when we met and I couldn't stand him at first. He was a very obnoxious person that followed me around and ask me for a kiss every few minutes. He ask me out daily and finally I told him that the only place I would take him was to church because I wouldn't date him.
He started coming to church with me and after a few times he gave his life to the Lord. He changed in such way that I fell in love with him. Looking back on it now I saw him as my saviour. A way out of a life that had become toxic to me and dangerous.
We were married for 11 years. Some of them were wonderful some were very hard. I will share more of those times later. Let's skip to the the end of those very hard years. The last three years of our marriage was torturous for me. My husband had an affair(it was really his third) and we had tried to make it work after that. Even though I felt like he didn't choose me the woman he had an affair with chose to stay with her husband so mine stayed with me. He wouldn't go to counseling and he wouldn't find a job. So he ended up staying home and taking care of our three year old while I held down two jobs. It was very hard but I didn't know what else to do.
One thing I learned from this is that you never leave a man who cheats home during the day. They get themselves in trouble. In this case with the married neighbor. I have heard it said the wife always knows and I can tell you from experience it's true. I knew the moment it started I just couldn't prove it. This married neighbor had three children, one boy age 5 and twin girls age 4. Their father worked days like I did and the mother worked nights. This made it very convenient to carry on an affair. Accept what to do with the kids? The horrific solution was to lock the children out of the apartment in the grass area of the apartment complex we lived in while they did whatever they wanted in privacy. Four children five years of age and under unsupervised alone. CPS would have a field day with that and with good reason.
During one of these unsupervised times something horrible happened. An older child probably 11 or 12 coaxed my daughter away from the other kids into a storage shed and proceeded to shove rocks up inside her tiny body. I don't know the details I just know the end result my daughter was to young to make much sense. Her father never noticed anything was wrong. I came home from work and she told me that it hurt to sit down. We went to the bathroom and rocks were in her underwear and were falling in the toilet. She told me about the what the other child had done to her and that she was afraid. I was horrified and distraught. I had told myself that nothing like that would ever happen to my daughter if I could prevent it because of what had happened to me. I felt like a failure as a mom because I was unable to protector her.
I went to our pastor for help because I was stuck in the lie the church had told me growing up. That I was to be totally submissive to my husband and take whatever he dished out. My pastor at the time told me that I could not leave the child with my husband anymore and I needed to stand up to him and tell him so. He was being irresponsible. So I did that and it didn't go well. Shortly there after I found out some other things that had happened to my precious child in his care and within a week he was gone. Thus started a long long journey to healing for myself and for my daughter and it started what seemed like an constant up hill battle against the Devil.
Being a single mom for a while helped us heal. Then the Lord gave us a man that fell in love with the two of us. While life hasn't always been easy we have always seen the hand of God in it. It's his strength that has held me up and pulled me through during those times I didn't feel like I could stand.
There at the beginning I remember sitting next to Kayle as she slept and praying and crying over her small body asking the Lord to guide me to always do there right thing to help protect her from furthor harm.
God was faithful.
I was married at age 18 to a man I loved very much. At the time we were each others best friend. We met at the place we worked together and he was not a Christian when we met and I couldn't stand him at first. He was a very obnoxious person that followed me around and ask me for a kiss every few minutes. He ask me out daily and finally I told him that the only place I would take him was to church because I wouldn't date him.
He started coming to church with me and after a few times he gave his life to the Lord. He changed in such way that I fell in love with him. Looking back on it now I saw him as my saviour. A way out of a life that had become toxic to me and dangerous.
We were married for 11 years. Some of them were wonderful some were very hard. I will share more of those times later. Let's skip to the the end of those very hard years. The last three years of our marriage was torturous for me. My husband had an affair(it was really his third) and we had tried to make it work after that. Even though I felt like he didn't choose me the woman he had an affair with chose to stay with her husband so mine stayed with me. He wouldn't go to counseling and he wouldn't find a job. So he ended up staying home and taking care of our three year old while I held down two jobs. It was very hard but I didn't know what else to do.
One thing I learned from this is that you never leave a man who cheats home during the day. They get themselves in trouble. In this case with the married neighbor. I have heard it said the wife always knows and I can tell you from experience it's true. I knew the moment it started I just couldn't prove it. This married neighbor had three children, one boy age 5 and twin girls age 4. Their father worked days like I did and the mother worked nights. This made it very convenient to carry on an affair. Accept what to do with the kids? The horrific solution was to lock the children out of the apartment in the grass area of the apartment complex we lived in while they did whatever they wanted in privacy. Four children five years of age and under unsupervised alone. CPS would have a field day with that and with good reason.
During one of these unsupervised times something horrible happened. An older child probably 11 or 12 coaxed my daughter away from the other kids into a storage shed and proceeded to shove rocks up inside her tiny body. I don't know the details I just know the end result my daughter was to young to make much sense. Her father never noticed anything was wrong. I came home from work and she told me that it hurt to sit down. We went to the bathroom and rocks were in her underwear and were falling in the toilet. She told me about the what the other child had done to her and that she was afraid. I was horrified and distraught. I had told myself that nothing like that would ever happen to my daughter if I could prevent it because of what had happened to me. I felt like a failure as a mom because I was unable to protector her.
I went to our pastor for help because I was stuck in the lie the church had told me growing up. That I was to be totally submissive to my husband and take whatever he dished out. My pastor at the time told me that I could not leave the child with my husband anymore and I needed to stand up to him and tell him so. He was being irresponsible. So I did that and it didn't go well. Shortly there after I found out some other things that had happened to my precious child in his care and within a week he was gone. Thus started a long long journey to healing for myself and for my daughter and it started what seemed like an constant up hill battle against the Devil.
Being a single mom for a while helped us heal. Then the Lord gave us a man that fell in love with the two of us. While life hasn't always been easy we have always seen the hand of God in it. It's his strength that has held me up and pulled me through during those times I didn't feel like I could stand.
There at the beginning I remember sitting next to Kayle as she slept and praying and crying over her small body asking the Lord to guide me to always do there right thing to help protect her from furthor harm.
God was faithful.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Screaming Silently
When I was nine or ten we went to visit my Grandmother in Arkansas. My mother is from Arkansas and is the youngest girl of 7 kids. Her brothers and sisters all have stayed there and raised families. We visited once every couple of years that I remember until my Grandmother died.
On this particular trip my cousin Richard was there. I'm not sure exactly how much older Richard was but I think he was at least 17 or 18 years at this time.
Richard was the son of my mothers oldest brother. He had a bit of a reputation among the cousins. Or at least that is what I found out years later. On this trip several of my female cousins came to visit too. They were children of my various aunts many of them older than I.
On one particular day I was out back with Richard and another female cousin and Richard started making comments about my other cousins body. They were crude comments I hadn't really heard before. He called her breasts weird names and tried to touch them. She slapped at him and told him to quit but he didn't. It seemed to escalate and he got more and more bold. The next thing I knew he had pushed her down and was on top of her. She was in a skirt and I saw him put his hand up her dress. While she screamed. I turned and ran toward the house and hid. The adults heard the commotion and came out but I don't remember them doing anything. I don't think she told them what Richard had done to her. I was afraid and I felt dirty for having seen it.
Later in our stay I was sleeping in my Grandmothers room at night on a big bed. One morning I woke up to people talking in the kitchen. I yelled out Mom not wanting to leave the warmth of the bed yet. My mother did not hear me but my cousin Richard did. He opened the door to my grandmothers room and looked around. He got a weird grin on his face and said good morning and closed the door behind him. I watched as he started to unbuckle his pants and walk around the bed. He ask if the bed was comfortable and if he could join me. I began to be very afraid but I couldn't make myself move. He dropped his pants and slid into bed next to me. I told him to get out and he just laughed and told me to be quiet and not scream like my other cousin had. He started touching me and I started to cry. I told him if he didn't get out of my bed I was going to scream. He didn't believe me but that is just what I did. Loud, hard and long. He responded by jumping out of bed and grabbing his pants. He managed to pull them on just in time for my parents and my grandmother to run in. All I could tell them is he touched me I was to ashamed of what he did to tell them how or where.
Nothing was ever done. His parents never told no one ever punished him. As I got older I found out that he had done something to each of the female cousins and there were a lot of them. The result of which was a lot of self loathing and self esteem issues. One cousin the one I witnessed has never mentally been the same.
I have always wondered who abused him to make him an abuser. He has a wife and daughters now and It makes me ill to think about what he might be doing to his own flesh and blood.
Will the silence go on that is the family legacy?
Probably for them. Not for me.
On this particular trip my cousin Richard was there. I'm not sure exactly how much older Richard was but I think he was at least 17 or 18 years at this time.
Richard was the son of my mothers oldest brother. He had a bit of a reputation among the cousins. Or at least that is what I found out years later. On this trip several of my female cousins came to visit too. They were children of my various aunts many of them older than I.
On one particular day I was out back with Richard and another female cousin and Richard started making comments about my other cousins body. They were crude comments I hadn't really heard before. He called her breasts weird names and tried to touch them. She slapped at him and told him to quit but he didn't. It seemed to escalate and he got more and more bold. The next thing I knew he had pushed her down and was on top of her. She was in a skirt and I saw him put his hand up her dress. While she screamed. I turned and ran toward the house and hid. The adults heard the commotion and came out but I don't remember them doing anything. I don't think she told them what Richard had done to her. I was afraid and I felt dirty for having seen it.
Later in our stay I was sleeping in my Grandmothers room at night on a big bed. One morning I woke up to people talking in the kitchen. I yelled out Mom not wanting to leave the warmth of the bed yet. My mother did not hear me but my cousin Richard did. He opened the door to my grandmothers room and looked around. He got a weird grin on his face and said good morning and closed the door behind him. I watched as he started to unbuckle his pants and walk around the bed. He ask if the bed was comfortable and if he could join me. I began to be very afraid but I couldn't make myself move. He dropped his pants and slid into bed next to me. I told him to get out and he just laughed and told me to be quiet and not scream like my other cousin had. He started touching me and I started to cry. I told him if he didn't get out of my bed I was going to scream. He didn't believe me but that is just what I did. Loud, hard and long. He responded by jumping out of bed and grabbing his pants. He managed to pull them on just in time for my parents and my grandmother to run in. All I could tell them is he touched me I was to ashamed of what he did to tell them how or where.
Nothing was ever done. His parents never told no one ever punished him. As I got older I found out that he had done something to each of the female cousins and there were a lot of them. The result of which was a lot of self loathing and self esteem issues. One cousin the one I witnessed has never mentally been the same.
I have always wondered who abused him to make him an abuser. He has a wife and daughters now and It makes me ill to think about what he might be doing to his own flesh and blood.
Will the silence go on that is the family legacy?
Probably for them. Not for me.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sing my Love
You will not believe the way he touches me.
He burns right through me
I could not forget every word he said
He always knew me
Earth could never hold this love that burns my soul
heaven holds me
Can't hold my love back in you
I've gotta sing my love to you Jesus.
I wish I wrote those words originally but even though I did not they are exactly how I feel. I'm experiencing one of those days that I feel a heavy burden. My heart feels weighted down. On those days I find myself on my face before God or singing at the top of my lungs worship songs or both. Today is a both day.
There is a character on the TV show Heroes who's gift is the gift of making music that you can see in swirling rainbow colors. I think that is what our worship is to God. He physically sees it rising to him when we pour our hearts out in worship, praise and prayer.
I bet it's beautiful and I can't wait to see it too.
Sherry
He burns right through me
I could not forget every word he said
He always knew me
Earth could never hold this love that burns my soul
heaven holds me
Can't hold my love back in you
I've gotta sing my love to you Jesus.
I wish I wrote those words originally but even though I did not they are exactly how I feel. I'm experiencing one of those days that I feel a heavy burden. My heart feels weighted down. On those days I find myself on my face before God or singing at the top of my lungs worship songs or both. Today is a both day.
There is a character on the TV show Heroes who's gift is the gift of making music that you can see in swirling rainbow colors. I think that is what our worship is to God. He physically sees it rising to him when we pour our hearts out in worship, praise and prayer.
I bet it's beautiful and I can't wait to see it too.
Sherry
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Miracles and Friends
I had the privilege at watching a miracle happen this week. Not your garden variety water into wine miracle but a miracle just the same.
If you don't know by now my favorite scripture in the Bible is Romans 8:28 "For all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose."
This has become over the years my motto for life. I seem to say it to someone at least once a week. God proves it to me over and over again seemingly on a daily basis.
This week I watched as God walked it out in someone else's life. January 5th unless your head is buried in the sand you know that Haiti had a massive earthquake. It left many people dead and many more homeless. The devastation that rocked this poor country is astounding and the inability for help to get there quickly showed just how much destruction there was.
Haiti has a ton of orphans and now that number has increase because of this quake. Typically the bureaucracy of the government and I suspect greed made the adoption process tedious and drawn out, often as long as four years to get a child and many thousand of dollars. There are hundreds possibly thousands of children stuck in the middle of this process just waiting to go to a family in another country and have a better life. I know of two such families. They both go to my church and they both wanted to give a better life to a child.
The miracle of which I speak was one that took a horrible destructive situation and made something beautiful out of it. Because of the devastation the quake took on the orphanages these children were left without a safe place to sleep or eat. So the people took action. Some came from the concerned potential parents here, some were politicians, and some in Haiti saw the need and with the sweeping glorious hand of God took action.
So what did I witness? Yesterday I watched as two very tired but very happy families walk off a plane carrying and holding the hands of children they didn't expect to see for quite a while. It was a very touching scene to see these three boys coming to a better life. Not just a better life of material wealth but to a life with wonderful Christian parents that will raise them to know Christ.
Yes I witnessed a miracle yesterday. Praise the Lord for he is worthy to be Praised!
If you don't know by now my favorite scripture in the Bible is Romans 8:28 "For all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose."
This has become over the years my motto for life. I seem to say it to someone at least once a week. God proves it to me over and over again seemingly on a daily basis.
This week I watched as God walked it out in someone else's life. January 5th unless your head is buried in the sand you know that Haiti had a massive earthquake. It left many people dead and many more homeless. The devastation that rocked this poor country is astounding and the inability for help to get there quickly showed just how much destruction there was.
Haiti has a ton of orphans and now that number has increase because of this quake. Typically the bureaucracy of the government and I suspect greed made the adoption process tedious and drawn out, often as long as four years to get a child and many thousand of dollars. There are hundreds possibly thousands of children stuck in the middle of this process just waiting to go to a family in another country and have a better life. I know of two such families. They both go to my church and they both wanted to give a better life to a child.
The miracle of which I speak was one that took a horrible destructive situation and made something beautiful out of it. Because of the devastation the quake took on the orphanages these children were left without a safe place to sleep or eat. So the people took action. Some came from the concerned potential parents here, some were politicians, and some in Haiti saw the need and with the sweeping glorious hand of God took action.
So what did I witness? Yesterday I watched as two very tired but very happy families walk off a plane carrying and holding the hands of children they didn't expect to see for quite a while. It was a very touching scene to see these three boys coming to a better life. Not just a better life of material wealth but to a life with wonderful Christian parents that will raise them to know Christ.
Yes I witnessed a miracle yesterday. Praise the Lord for he is worthy to be Praised!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord
I heard of another instance of this today. This makes two I have heard about in a week. Instances where God really did take care of a wrong done. But in the same ole God fashion he does it with flair and panache.
What am I talking about you ask? Romans 12:19 "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: For it is written, Vengeance is mine , I will repay, saith the Lord.
I got to tell you, I would not want to be on the receiving end of God's vengeance in any form.
Example one is not really my story to tell I really don't know all the components but in general lets just say that someone of power (Bob) hurt someone I love (Tom) deeply and maliciously 30 years ago. Last week Tom found himself helping a choking person in a restaurant and saving their lives. The person that was saved was Bob the very person in power that inflicted the pain on Tom so many years before. Coincidence?? I think not... when the person that was saved realized who had saved them they were speechless. God has style I gotta give him that.
Example two is more sad and I don't feel it right to share. I will just say this... There is a principle similar to Romans 12:19 in every religion in the world. Karma... What goes around comes around. It doesn't matter how you say it. If you hurt someone intentionally you will never escape the consequences of your actions. Most likely something similar will happen to you. You cheat... you get cheated on. You lie you find someone lying to you. But if the person you hurt is a Child of God.... Look out. It's coming and it won't be pretty.
What am I talking about you ask? Romans 12:19 "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: For it is written, Vengeance is mine , I will repay, saith the Lord.
I got to tell you, I would not want to be on the receiving end of God's vengeance in any form.
Example one is not really my story to tell I really don't know all the components but in general lets just say that someone of power (Bob) hurt someone I love (Tom) deeply and maliciously 30 years ago. Last week Tom found himself helping a choking person in a restaurant and saving their lives. The person that was saved was Bob the very person in power that inflicted the pain on Tom so many years before. Coincidence?? I think not... when the person that was saved realized who had saved them they were speechless. God has style I gotta give him that.
Example two is more sad and I don't feel it right to share. I will just say this... There is a principle similar to Romans 12:19 in every religion in the world. Karma... What goes around comes around. It doesn't matter how you say it. If you hurt someone intentionally you will never escape the consequences of your actions. Most likely something similar will happen to you. You cheat... you get cheated on. You lie you find someone lying to you. But if the person you hurt is a Child of God.... Look out. It's coming and it won't be pretty.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
God send an Angel at 17
The Lord has revealed himself to me in many ways. But he has seen fit to send me Angels twice that I know about. While I'm sure there are countless times that he has helped me with his warriors I can say I have actually seen them twice in my life. This story is about the second time.
I think I was Seventeen years old. If not I was very close to being that age. My father was the assistant pastor at a church in South Phoenix. It was a very small church in a very bad neighborhood but that is where my father felt called. Our pastor had two children still at home. A girl two years younger than me and a son that was a couple of years older. I'm not sure how old he was. Lets call him Dave for the sake of the story. Dave was not a Christian. He rebelled against his father in every way. He was into drugs and alcohol and "partying". I have no idea if his parents really knew any of this.
One day Dave ask me to go to his company picnic. He said that it was in Mesa somewhere and he would pick me up at around 11 AM. I know Dave liked to get stoned and told him that I would go if he showed up clean. Well Dave showed up at 11 stoned. I could tell but my parents didn't seem to notice so went ahead and went with him because I didn't want to cause a scene. Big mistake on my part.
On our way to Mesa I can't really tell you which way we went I wasn't paying attention. We seem to drive through a stretch of road that was in the middle of no where. This was 1982 trust me when I tell you Phoenix has grown a lot since then. All of a sudden Dave's car stalled and sure enough Dave announced we were out of Gas in the middle of no where on a very hot summers day. Needless to say I was a tad freaked out. Here I was in the middle of God knows where with a stoned preachers kid. Not my idea of a good time and to make matters worse Dave didn't have any money.
I did the only thing I knew how and I started praying. Dave was trying to figure out which way to start walking in order for us to find a pay phone. The next thing I knew out of literally no where a small car appeared. The man driving had a very kind smile and he said hey I think you need these and handed to full gas cans out the window to me. I turned and handed them to Dave and excitedly turned around to thank him and he was gone. Him and his car vanished into thin air. I looked up and down both ways of the street and there was not a car in site. If you ever want to know what will sober up a stoned guy... have God send a Angel. Dave was dumb struck. We immediately started looking for something to use as a funnel to get the gas in the car and found a wine bottle broken just perfectly. It did the trick and I was praising God the whole way home.
We did not make it to the picnic that day. I made Dave drive me straight home. We talked about what had happened on the road that day and we both knew that God helped us.
Dave turned his life around. He now works to get young boys off drugs with Teen Challenge. His father still pastors that church in south phoenix accept they bought some land and moved farther south.
I'm not sure why God has let me see his angels twice in my life. I hope it's because he knew I would share those experiences with as many as possible.
Now I have shared them with you. I hope by hearing them you at least have come to think about how much God cares about you so much that he thinks about us in the little things.
I'm sure he has sent his protectors to you at some time in your life.
Think about it.
Blessings,
Sherry
I think I was Seventeen years old. If not I was very close to being that age. My father was the assistant pastor at a church in South Phoenix. It was a very small church in a very bad neighborhood but that is where my father felt called. Our pastor had two children still at home. A girl two years younger than me and a son that was a couple of years older. I'm not sure how old he was. Lets call him Dave for the sake of the story. Dave was not a Christian. He rebelled against his father in every way. He was into drugs and alcohol and "partying". I have no idea if his parents really knew any of this.
One day Dave ask me to go to his company picnic. He said that it was in Mesa somewhere and he would pick me up at around 11 AM. I know Dave liked to get stoned and told him that I would go if he showed up clean. Well Dave showed up at 11 stoned. I could tell but my parents didn't seem to notice so went ahead and went with him because I didn't want to cause a scene. Big mistake on my part.
On our way to Mesa I can't really tell you which way we went I wasn't paying attention. We seem to drive through a stretch of road that was in the middle of no where. This was 1982 trust me when I tell you Phoenix has grown a lot since then. All of a sudden Dave's car stalled and sure enough Dave announced we were out of Gas in the middle of no where on a very hot summers day. Needless to say I was a tad freaked out. Here I was in the middle of God knows where with a stoned preachers kid. Not my idea of a good time and to make matters worse Dave didn't have any money.
I did the only thing I knew how and I started praying. Dave was trying to figure out which way to start walking in order for us to find a pay phone. The next thing I knew out of literally no where a small car appeared. The man driving had a very kind smile and he said hey I think you need these and handed to full gas cans out the window to me. I turned and handed them to Dave and excitedly turned around to thank him and he was gone. Him and his car vanished into thin air. I looked up and down both ways of the street and there was not a car in site. If you ever want to know what will sober up a stoned guy... have God send a Angel. Dave was dumb struck. We immediately started looking for something to use as a funnel to get the gas in the car and found a wine bottle broken just perfectly. It did the trick and I was praising God the whole way home.
We did not make it to the picnic that day. I made Dave drive me straight home. We talked about what had happened on the road that day and we both knew that God helped us.
Dave turned his life around. He now works to get young boys off drugs with Teen Challenge. His father still pastors that church in south phoenix accept they bought some land and moved farther south.
I'm not sure why God has let me see his angels twice in my life. I hope it's because he knew I would share those experiences with as many as possible.
Now I have shared them with you. I hope by hearing them you at least have come to think about how much God cares about you so much that he thinks about us in the little things.
I'm sure he has sent his protectors to you at some time in your life.
Think about it.
Blessings,
Sherry
Friday, January 1, 2010
2009 in review
Reflecting on 2009 it was a year of Fun, Inspiration and of great pain. I guess every year has its share of that in varying degrees. I must say I learned a lot about myself in 09 and even more about human nature.
I am a product of my environment. I grew up watching certain behaviors and thinking them normal and thus repeat them. Although some of the more destructive ones I had managed to break the cycle along time ago I find that some of the more subtle ones I have continued to cling to till this year. I love how patient God is with us in our dysfunction. He just waits and directs and nudges us in the right direction till we give up the reigns and finally let him lead. I am glad I am not God because I would be so frustrated with my people if I were and their lack of faith and direction.
Some of the more wonderful things about this year were the opportunity to go to Peru with my oldest daughter and see the mighty potential in her. She can not see it of course but I see a young woman of compassion in her and of daring and I know the Lord will use that mightily if she lets him.
I got to see my youngest daughter blossom into you beautiful teen and find her talent and how special she is. I see a wonderful grateful spirit in her that warms my heart and I can tell the lessons about life and God are penetrating her soul. I see an eagerness to be a child of God in her. I know I have one more chance to raise a Godly woman and I pray daily that I succeed.
This year I have realized what it means to take a risk and put my foot down. Satan hates that and has tried to rip and tear at me. But I have stood my ground and will continue to do so no matter what. The end result will be something of beauty the Lord has promised. Though the path is very very hard. I will persevere.
I have made new friends this year and have finally opened myself up to people at church. It was scary after being burned so many times but they seem to have accepted me and for that I’m grateful. I think it may take me a while to relax and truly be myself but I have committed to try if they will continue to let me in.
I have lost a couple of dear friends this year too. Both of which I loved beyond measure. Sometimes people just walk way I guess. I struggle with that a lot because of my lack of feeling worthy. But I realize that being my friend is not always easy because I’m such a high challenge person. I shall miss them both.
So I guess I am looking forward to 2010 and all the possibilities it brings. New growth, new life and the same ole race to finish with Dignity and Honor into the open arms of my Saviour.
Happy New Years everyone.
I am a product of my environment. I grew up watching certain behaviors and thinking them normal and thus repeat them. Although some of the more destructive ones I had managed to break the cycle along time ago I find that some of the more subtle ones I have continued to cling to till this year. I love how patient God is with us in our dysfunction. He just waits and directs and nudges us in the right direction till we give up the reigns and finally let him lead. I am glad I am not God because I would be so frustrated with my people if I were and their lack of faith and direction.
Some of the more wonderful things about this year were the opportunity to go to Peru with my oldest daughter and see the mighty potential in her. She can not see it of course but I see a young woman of compassion in her and of daring and I know the Lord will use that mightily if she lets him.
I got to see my youngest daughter blossom into you beautiful teen and find her talent and how special she is. I see a wonderful grateful spirit in her that warms my heart and I can tell the lessons about life and God are penetrating her soul. I see an eagerness to be a child of God in her. I know I have one more chance to raise a Godly woman and I pray daily that I succeed.
This year I have realized what it means to take a risk and put my foot down. Satan hates that and has tried to rip and tear at me. But I have stood my ground and will continue to do so no matter what. The end result will be something of beauty the Lord has promised. Though the path is very very hard. I will persevere.
I have made new friends this year and have finally opened myself up to people at church. It was scary after being burned so many times but they seem to have accepted me and for that I’m grateful. I think it may take me a while to relax and truly be myself but I have committed to try if they will continue to let me in.
I have lost a couple of dear friends this year too. Both of which I loved beyond measure. Sometimes people just walk way I guess. I struggle with that a lot because of my lack of feeling worthy. But I realize that being my friend is not always easy because I’m such a high challenge person. I shall miss them both.
So I guess I am looking forward to 2010 and all the possibilities it brings. New growth, new life and the same ole race to finish with Dignity and Honor into the open arms of my Saviour.
Happy New Years everyone.
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