Dizzy Memories

Two nights ago I was exiting my bed to go to the restroom and the room started spinning out of control. It brought me to my knees. My dinner didn't want to stay down and I broke out in a cold sweat. I've been dizzy now for two days. Not fun at all but this isn't the first time in my life that this has happened to me. When I finally went to sleep two nights ago I dreamed of the memories of that first time and it's been on my mind ever since. It's time to share.

When I was seventeen I was dating the man that would be my first husband. We had picked out two puppies that were going to be ours and I had brought them home, much to the dislike of my parents. One day during the summer break I was in our back bathroom playing with the pups on the floor. They were jumping and trying to lick my face. As I jerked my head up to keep from getting licked an overwhelming dizziness hit so bad that waves of nausea over took me. Luckily I was in the restroom already. I threw up several times while the dizziness continued in waves. I called my mom and told her what had happened and she told me to rest. I realized while I was on the couch that I had not done my chores that day yet. I believe in typical teenager fashion I had put them off till the last minute. My parents were very strict about my chores getting done so I was afraid.

I talked to my then boyfriend on the phone telling him what had happened and that I was afraid of getting in trouble for not doing my chores. He offered to walk to my house and do them for me. Although I knew that this was against another house room (No boys in the house without parents) I figured he would be gone before they got home. I knew that the dizziness would not let me do it so I agreed. It took him an hour or so but he showed up and while I lay on the couch he did all my chores.

Being summer in AZ it was very hot and by now very late and I was concerned that he would get heat stroke walking home. So I ask him to wait on the Porch for one of my parents to take him home. I was convinced that once they knew that he came to my rescue that they would like him. I was very very wrong.

My father came home first and seeing my boyfriend on the porch became very angry. Enraged would be a better word. He started yelling at me and calling me and my boyfriend names. My boyfriend remained on the porch not wanting to interrupt my father. My father told me that I was not to see the boy again and wouldn't listen when I tried to tell him what had happened. At one point I think some sort of death wish came over me or maybe I was just fed up with the abuse I had put up with. I dizzily stood to my feet and declared that I was moving out then. Shaking I stumbled to my bedroom only to have my father follow screaming the whole way. I don't remember all that was said but I do remember sailing across my bed from the slap that came with such force that is broke my glasses and cut my nose. I ended up wedged between my bed and the wall. He came after me again and I started to scream. I was terrified I was sure that this time he was going to really hurt me. I could feel the hate and anger coming off him. The rest is a blur but I do remember him telling me that he was going to give my boyfriend a ride and dispose of him.

I had no idea what my father would do but it turns out he took him home with a threat. My boyfriend had no idea what had gone on in our house that day until I could see him again a week later. He was very upset that he didn't stop my father but it turns out he would have other chances to defend me and fail.

I don't know if he ever told my mother what happened. I do know when she saw my glasses and face I lied and said I fell in my dizziness and hit my face on the wall. Typical response for someone conditioned by unpredictable rage.

This episode is very different than that one in many ways but the feelings it has stirring in me are very familiar.