I really don't like the RIP - Rest in Peace. Because I don't believe it. Not that we won't have Peace I totally believe that but it seems to insinuate that that when you get to heaven you sit and rest. You become less active and I just don't see that happening. I think that I shall be very active, praising God maybe helping out preparing heaven for those that come after. Maybe I'll even ask to come back to earth and help influence people with unseen nudges. Who knows....
Jaquie went to see our creator today. The answer to our faith was NO. But it doesn't change my rant. It doesn't change the fact we need to have a greater faith. The test is to maintain it in the face of the No.
In this life you will have trials and sometimes when you believe you will hear NO. But live for the YES...believe for the YES. Praise your God because he does say YES.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Warped American Faith
I woke up this morning with a woman on my heart. Jacquie Godfrey. Jacquie is a woman that used to attend Parkway Christian church. My families’ church. I didn't know Jacquie well. I don't even know where I met her the first time. I couldn't tell you her name if I saw her but I knew her smile.
Recently she went to Tennessee to attend a quilting convention. She suffered a cerebral hemorrhage while there and is now waiting in intensive care hooked up to a ventilator waiting for her family to come and pull the plug because they consider her brain dead.
I have watched Facebook blow up with prayers for healing. Her faith has touched many. What gives me pause is the speed in which everyone has shut down that faith. Or they qualify their request with "But if you don't Lord"
Now I know that the Lord wants us to be submissive to his will and know that he is in control. But I think that we have taken it a step too far. We now use those words as an excuse to get out of the niggling of disbelief that God can and will heal that lives deep in our diminished faith. Our Warped American brand of faith. This is the down fall of having everything since birth. To know what the medical community can do and can not do and somehow we have attached the limitations of what a Doctor can do to our God. That God can only work within the confines or our western medicine.
Is that what the bible says?? No NO! Mathew 17:20 says He (Jesus)replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
So what is he telling them? He is telling them that at the moment their faith was smaller that a mustard seed because they couldn't move that mountain. That scripture doesn't say, have mustard seed faith only if the Doctors agree there is hope? God doesn't need us to make excuses for his choices and abilities.
I am living breathing proof that God is still in the miracle working business. I know others that are also living breathing miracles. Some were helped by God given medical wisdom to help that miracle along but others were God alone miracles. Untouched by medicine. Miraculous and Splendid.
We wonder why in this country we don't see more miracles like they do in Africa. It's because we have so much stuff, opportunity, and wealth we have become tainted and skeptical. We have lost our faith and have replaced it with a warped American white washed faith. That isn't even as big as a mustard seed. We say what if he doesn't then people will be hurt or I will have to explain why he didn't and maybe God or Christianity will look bad.
I say shame on you. The God you believe doesn't need your PR. He needs your faith and trust and devotion. He needs to you live what you say you believe. So do it already!
End of soap box moment.
Recently she went to Tennessee to attend a quilting convention. She suffered a cerebral hemorrhage while there and is now waiting in intensive care hooked up to a ventilator waiting for her family to come and pull the plug because they consider her brain dead.
I have watched Facebook blow up with prayers for healing. Her faith has touched many. What gives me pause is the speed in which everyone has shut down that faith. Or they qualify their request with "But if you don't Lord"
Now I know that the Lord wants us to be submissive to his will and know that he is in control. But I think that we have taken it a step too far. We now use those words as an excuse to get out of the niggling of disbelief that God can and will heal that lives deep in our diminished faith. Our Warped American brand of faith. This is the down fall of having everything since birth. To know what the medical community can do and can not do and somehow we have attached the limitations of what a Doctor can do to our God. That God can only work within the confines or our western medicine.
Is that what the bible says?? No NO! Mathew 17:20 says He (Jesus)replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
So what is he telling them? He is telling them that at the moment their faith was smaller that a mustard seed because they couldn't move that mountain. That scripture doesn't say, have mustard seed faith only if the Doctors agree there is hope? God doesn't need us to make excuses for his choices and abilities.
I am living breathing proof that God is still in the miracle working business. I know others that are also living breathing miracles. Some were helped by God given medical wisdom to help that miracle along but others were God alone miracles. Untouched by medicine. Miraculous and Splendid.
We wonder why in this country we don't see more miracles like they do in Africa. It's because we have so much stuff, opportunity, and wealth we have become tainted and skeptical. We have lost our faith and have replaced it with a warped American white washed faith. That isn't even as big as a mustard seed. We say what if he doesn't then people will be hurt or I will have to explain why he didn't and maybe God or Christianity will look bad.
I say shame on you. The God you believe doesn't need your PR. He needs your faith and trust and devotion. He needs to you live what you say you believe. So do it already!
End of soap box moment.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Dizzy Memories
Two nights ago I was exiting my bed to go to the restroom and the room started spinning out of control. It brought me to my knees. My dinner didn't want to stay down and I broke out in a cold sweat. I've been dizzy now for two days. Not fun at all but this isn't the first time in my life that this has happened to me. When I finally went to sleep two nights ago I dreamed of the memories of that first time and it's been on my mind ever since. It's time to share.
When I was seventeen I was dating the man that would be my first husband. We had picked out two puppies that were going to be ours and I had brought them home, much to the dislike of my parents. One day during the summer break I was in our back bathroom playing with the pups on the floor. They were jumping and trying to lick my face. As I jerked my head up to keep from getting licked an overwhelming dizziness hit so bad that waves of nausea over took me. Luckily I was in the restroom already. I threw up several times while the dizziness continued in waves. I called my mom and told her what had happened and she told me to rest. I realized while I was on the couch that I had not done my chores that day yet. I believe in typical teenager fashion I had put them off till the last minute. My parents were very strict about my chores getting done so I was afraid.
I talked to my then boyfriend on the phone telling him what had happened and that I was afraid of getting in trouble for not doing my chores. He offered to walk to my house and do them for me. Although I knew that this was against another house room (No boys in the house without parents) I figured he would be gone before they got home. I knew that the dizziness would not let me do it so I agreed. It took him an hour or so but he showed up and while I lay on the couch he did all my chores.
Being summer in AZ it was very hot and by now very late and I was concerned that he would get heat stroke walking home. So I ask him to wait on the Porch for one of my parents to take him home. I was convinced that once they knew that he came to my rescue that they would like him. I was very very wrong.
My father came home first and seeing my boyfriend on the porch became very angry. Enraged would be a better word. He started yelling at me and calling me and my boyfriend names. My boyfriend remained on the porch not wanting to interrupt my father. My father told me that I was not to see the boy again and wouldn't listen when I tried to tell him what had happened. At one point I think some sort of death wish came over me or maybe I was just fed up with the abuse I had put up with. I dizzily stood to my feet and declared that I was moving out then. Shaking I stumbled to my bedroom only to have my father follow screaming the whole way. I don't remember all that was said but I do remember sailing across my bed from the slap that came with such force that is broke my glasses and cut my nose. I ended up wedged between my bed and the wall. He came after me again and I started to scream. I was terrified I was sure that this time he was going to really hurt me. I could feel the hate and anger coming off him. The rest is a blur but I do remember him telling me that he was going to give my boyfriend a ride and dispose of him.
I had no idea what my father would do but it turns out he took him home with a threat. My boyfriend had no idea what had gone on in our house that day until I could see him again a week later. He was very upset that he didn't stop my father but it turns out he would have other chances to defend me and fail.
I don't know if he ever told my mother what happened. I do know when she saw my glasses and face I lied and said I fell in my dizziness and hit my face on the wall. Typical response for someone conditioned by unpredictable rage.
This episode is very different than that one in many ways but the feelings it has stirring in me are very familiar.
When I was seventeen I was dating the man that would be my first husband. We had picked out two puppies that were going to be ours and I had brought them home, much to the dislike of my parents. One day during the summer break I was in our back bathroom playing with the pups on the floor. They were jumping and trying to lick my face. As I jerked my head up to keep from getting licked an overwhelming dizziness hit so bad that waves of nausea over took me. Luckily I was in the restroom already. I threw up several times while the dizziness continued in waves. I called my mom and told her what had happened and she told me to rest. I realized while I was on the couch that I had not done my chores that day yet. I believe in typical teenager fashion I had put them off till the last minute. My parents were very strict about my chores getting done so I was afraid.
I talked to my then boyfriend on the phone telling him what had happened and that I was afraid of getting in trouble for not doing my chores. He offered to walk to my house and do them for me. Although I knew that this was against another house room (No boys in the house without parents) I figured he would be gone before they got home. I knew that the dizziness would not let me do it so I agreed. It took him an hour or so but he showed up and while I lay on the couch he did all my chores.
Being summer in AZ it was very hot and by now very late and I was concerned that he would get heat stroke walking home. So I ask him to wait on the Porch for one of my parents to take him home. I was convinced that once they knew that he came to my rescue that they would like him. I was very very wrong.
My father came home first and seeing my boyfriend on the porch became very angry. Enraged would be a better word. He started yelling at me and calling me and my boyfriend names. My boyfriend remained on the porch not wanting to interrupt my father. My father told me that I was not to see the boy again and wouldn't listen when I tried to tell him what had happened. At one point I think some sort of death wish came over me or maybe I was just fed up with the abuse I had put up with. I dizzily stood to my feet and declared that I was moving out then. Shaking I stumbled to my bedroom only to have my father follow screaming the whole way. I don't remember all that was said but I do remember sailing across my bed from the slap that came with such force that is broke my glasses and cut my nose. I ended up wedged between my bed and the wall. He came after me again and I started to scream. I was terrified I was sure that this time he was going to really hurt me. I could feel the hate and anger coming off him. The rest is a blur but I do remember him telling me that he was going to give my boyfriend a ride and dispose of him.
I had no idea what my father would do but it turns out he took him home with a threat. My boyfriend had no idea what had gone on in our house that day until I could see him again a week later. He was very upset that he didn't stop my father but it turns out he would have other chances to defend me and fail.
I don't know if he ever told my mother what happened. I do know when she saw my glasses and face I lied and said I fell in my dizziness and hit my face on the wall. Typical response for someone conditioned by unpredictable rage.
This episode is very different than that one in many ways but the feelings it has stirring in me are very familiar.
Monday, July 19, 2010
1st Marriages are forever. Part 1
When I got married the first time it was forever. At least that is what I thought at the time. I still think it should be and in a way it still is if you have children with 1st spouse. They never go away. Even if they aren’t physically there you have to deal with the aftermath of that loss in your children every day of their lives.
I met my first husband when I was 17 years old. We both worked at Montgomery Wards at Valley west mall. I worked in the men’s department and was cross training in the Shoe department on his first day. He was a hansom 18 year old that liked to dress in sans a belt pants. (Give him a break is was just after the disco craze.) He was also the most annoying, arrogant person I had ever met. He followed me around that whole day asking for a kiss. I couldn’t stand him. He considered himself and atheist and a player. I considered him icky.
We worked together for probably a month or two the time table gets fuzzy around this part of it. He continued to ask me out daily and I continued to say no. But one day I said ok, but the only place I will go with you is to church. I figured that would shut him up but he said ok and I was stuck, I had to take him to church.
My father seemed to hate him on sight. Not a very good thing for a minister to do but what can I say I’m his only child. I started taking him to church and it didn’t go well. My father is an Assembly of God minister and the AG churches are very charismatic and therefore foreign to most Christian people and down right weird to non Christians. The first time he attended and evening prayer meeting and there was an overly spiritual alter call he made fun of it. While people were at the alter lifting their hands and speaking in tongues there he stood in the back of the church in the sight of my father making fun of them. I was horrified. But still he came with me every week. During this time my heart softened to him because I could see that he was hurting and like many young girls we think we can fix the broken boy. I too fell into this trap. Then one night we had a special speaker at church. I can’t tell you what he said but I know something snapped in (Let’s call him Chris) Chris’s heart. I got up from the alter to return to my seat and Chris was not there. I found Chris in the grass outside the church crying. He said he felt empty inside and that he wanted what I had. I prayed with him there in the grass that night. The next morning Chris called me and was elated. He said he had a dream that he wrestled with the devil all night long but that he had won the fight. He felt like a new man.
So it began…..Needless to say we fell in love and my father most definitely did not. He was not happy about me dating much less dating Chris. This caused some major problems in my family which basically pushed me out the door as quickly as possible.
That is a different story thread for a different time.
So basically I met Chris at 17 and married him at 18. Looking back now I can see that I even though I truly did love Chris, I was in desperate need to leave my house. I felt it was a matter of my safety. I don’t think I would have rushed if hadn’t been afraid at home. But who knows what I would have done. Chris and I were married in June 1983. He was 20 and I turned 19 the next month. We were poor but happy….for the most part.
We continued having issues with my father that put a strain on our marriage but we were good together at least for a while anyway.
I can look back now and say it started falling apart the year Chris’s father died. I don’t know the exact year. I think we had been married 4 or 5 years by then. Our marriage had survived a horrible motorcycle accident and bankruptcy. But his father dieing did him in mentally. He hadn’t gotten to see his father much because he had moved away from his children when Chris’s mother and he got divorced. He lived in Vermont and they move to Arizona. Chris maybe saw his dad twice between the age of 10 and 20. Funny thing about absence sometimes it makes a child put their absent parent on a pedestal. This is what Chris had done. When his dad died the grief mixed with regret overwhelmed him and everything changed.
I met my first husband when I was 17 years old. We both worked at Montgomery Wards at Valley west mall. I worked in the men’s department and was cross training in the Shoe department on his first day. He was a hansom 18 year old that liked to dress in sans a belt pants. (Give him a break is was just after the disco craze.) He was also the most annoying, arrogant person I had ever met. He followed me around that whole day asking for a kiss. I couldn’t stand him. He considered himself and atheist and a player. I considered him icky.
We worked together for probably a month or two the time table gets fuzzy around this part of it. He continued to ask me out daily and I continued to say no. But one day I said ok, but the only place I will go with you is to church. I figured that would shut him up but he said ok and I was stuck, I had to take him to church.
My father seemed to hate him on sight. Not a very good thing for a minister to do but what can I say I’m his only child. I started taking him to church and it didn’t go well. My father is an Assembly of God minister and the AG churches are very charismatic and therefore foreign to most Christian people and down right weird to non Christians. The first time he attended and evening prayer meeting and there was an overly spiritual alter call he made fun of it. While people were at the alter lifting their hands and speaking in tongues there he stood in the back of the church in the sight of my father making fun of them. I was horrified. But still he came with me every week. During this time my heart softened to him because I could see that he was hurting and like many young girls we think we can fix the broken boy. I too fell into this trap. Then one night we had a special speaker at church. I can’t tell you what he said but I know something snapped in (Let’s call him Chris) Chris’s heart. I got up from the alter to return to my seat and Chris was not there. I found Chris in the grass outside the church crying. He said he felt empty inside and that he wanted what I had. I prayed with him there in the grass that night. The next morning Chris called me and was elated. He said he had a dream that he wrestled with the devil all night long but that he had won the fight. He felt like a new man.
So it began…..Needless to say we fell in love and my father most definitely did not. He was not happy about me dating much less dating Chris. This caused some major problems in my family which basically pushed me out the door as quickly as possible.
That is a different story thread for a different time.
So basically I met Chris at 17 and married him at 18. Looking back now I can see that I even though I truly did love Chris, I was in desperate need to leave my house. I felt it was a matter of my safety. I don’t think I would have rushed if hadn’t been afraid at home. But who knows what I would have done. Chris and I were married in June 1983. He was 20 and I turned 19 the next month. We were poor but happy….for the most part.
We continued having issues with my father that put a strain on our marriage but we were good together at least for a while anyway.
I can look back now and say it started falling apart the year Chris’s father died. I don’t know the exact year. I think we had been married 4 or 5 years by then. Our marriage had survived a horrible motorcycle accident and bankruptcy. But his father dieing did him in mentally. He hadn’t gotten to see his father much because he had moved away from his children when Chris’s mother and he got divorced. He lived in Vermont and they move to Arizona. Chris maybe saw his dad twice between the age of 10 and 20. Funny thing about absence sometimes it makes a child put their absent parent on a pedestal. This is what Chris had done. When his dad died the grief mixed with regret overwhelmed him and everything changed.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
It's time.
Well I guess it's time. I can't avoid writing about certain things and people in my life any more. I'm supposed to get this all down on paper but to tell you the truth it scares the hell out of me. I'm sure if anyone involved with these stories I haven't written yet were to read them they would be hurt or angry but, I'm going to try very hard to tell them with truth from my perspective. I'm not trying to hurt anyone I just want to share what I have learned about God through these experiences life thrown me.
As in any situation everyone involved sees it from their side. Take a look at all the sides and the truth is usually in the middle. I am an over analyser however and I try to look at things from all side and take my part of the ownership of any situation. I'm sure however that there are times I'm still not seeing clearly. I hope that there aren't very many of those left.
So I guess the next few story blogs you read will be some of the hardest to write. They have been by far the most painful memories and situations I have ever been in. The people involved are still in my life and I will try my best to protect them without compromising the truth as I see it.
Pray for me.
As in any situation everyone involved sees it from their side. Take a look at all the sides and the truth is usually in the middle. I am an over analyser however and I try to look at things from all side and take my part of the ownership of any situation. I'm sure however that there are times I'm still not seeing clearly. I hope that there aren't very many of those left.
So I guess the next few story blogs you read will be some of the hardest to write. They have been by far the most painful memories and situations I have ever been in. The people involved are still in my life and I will try my best to protect them without compromising the truth as I see it.
Pray for me.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Difference
Today I was confronted with the friends and family of two couples that have chosen to divorce for frivolous reasons and both have children. I learned of a wayward daughter who struggles with addiction and is pining away for a abusive boyfriend that's in jail. I also learned of a father who at the age of 54 has been told by his parents that he can't move back in with them unless he goes to rehab for his severe drug and alcohol addiction. I've struggled this last week with certain people in my own life that are hurting and try to hurt my family due to their own inability to take responsibility for their own actions. It's all very sad.
This is the world we live in,lost and fallen, without God. Although I can stand here and say without doubt that the people above do not know Christ and desperately need him. I also can tell you that there are people within our church today with the very same issues. They live in a perpetually fallen state and choose to walk the line of sin and repentance. I listened to one of my favorite ministers today that was talking about Christians wearing too many bracklets. They have the WWJD (What would Jesus do) bracklet because they truly love the Lord but when it come to sin in their lives they also wear the WWOD (what would Oprah Do)bracklet or WDCMS (What does Cosmo Mag Say) or how about the ever popular... WWMFD (What would my friends do) bracklet. Yes there are many among our ranks that have bought into the worlds morality. We think we have just a little, but the reality is that it's a lot. How many of us have come to think that Jesus just wants us to be happy or that it's ok to live with your boyfried. How about if your husbands a jerk and he not the nicest person in the world it's ok to divorce him?
My point is this. The only standard that is exceptable to measure what we should and shouldn't do as Christians is Gods word. Period. If we don't follow it all or we make exceptions for this standard we are kidding ourselves.
Revelation 3:16 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
God's not talking to sinners here he is talking to the church. He is telling us to get with the program or get off the bus. No more compromising no more excuses for sin in your life.
We as people who profess to be Christians need to start acting CHRIST LIKE. So that we can be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. Otherwise we are hipocrits and they won't even listen to us. Sounds harsh I know but we need to wake up. Paul was this brutal too. Maybe it's time we listened to him too.
This is the world we live in,lost and fallen, without God. Although I can stand here and say without doubt that the people above do not know Christ and desperately need him. I also can tell you that there are people within our church today with the very same issues. They live in a perpetually fallen state and choose to walk the line of sin and repentance. I listened to one of my favorite ministers today that was talking about Christians wearing too many bracklets. They have the WWJD (What would Jesus do) bracklet because they truly love the Lord but when it come to sin in their lives they also wear the WWOD (what would Oprah Do)bracklet or WDCMS (What does Cosmo Mag Say) or how about the ever popular... WWMFD (What would my friends do) bracklet. Yes there are many among our ranks that have bought into the worlds morality. We think we have just a little, but the reality is that it's a lot. How many of us have come to think that Jesus just wants us to be happy or that it's ok to live with your boyfried. How about if your husbands a jerk and he not the nicest person in the world it's ok to divorce him?
My point is this. The only standard that is exceptable to measure what we should and shouldn't do as Christians is Gods word. Period. If we don't follow it all or we make exceptions for this standard we are kidding ourselves.
Revelation 3:16 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
God's not talking to sinners here he is talking to the church. He is telling us to get with the program or get off the bus. No more compromising no more excuses for sin in your life.
We as people who profess to be Christians need to start acting CHRIST LIKE. So that we can be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. Otherwise we are hipocrits and they won't even listen to us. Sounds harsh I know but we need to wake up. Paul was this brutal too. Maybe it's time we listened to him too.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The High Road.
Have you ever had someone in your life that was so delusional that most of what they say didn’t make sense? Someone that Satan has a hold of so hard that they project their anger and meanness on you or whoever has the misfortune of being in their path?
I can’t stand before you blameless none of us can for sure. There have been times I have said inappropriate things in the heat of the moment. Mostly trying to stop the madness coming at me, only to regret it later. I think we all do that sometimes we are only human.
There are only a few of people in my life that bring me to that place. One where my nature is tried and the measure of patience God has given me wears thin.
I try and take the high road. Sometimes I stumble and fall a bit but I get up and brush myself off and set the pace again. (Yes I know you all are thinking I fall a lot anyway. LOL)
God has made me tough with everything I’ve been through I’m still standing. I still push through the ugly to get to the beautiful.
Today I woke up feeling less than. Not sure why maybe it’s hormones maybe it’s the enemy telling me I’m not worthy. Three A.M. this morning I woke up upset and began to pray. I wish this growth thing was easy but it’s not. I still say things I shouldn’t put my foot in my mouth occasionally and am too honest with people sometimes. I get better every day though at least I think I do.
If I am not and you catch me falling please pick me up and point me up hill.
I can’t stand before you blameless none of us can for sure. There have been times I have said inappropriate things in the heat of the moment. Mostly trying to stop the madness coming at me, only to regret it later. I think we all do that sometimes we are only human.
There are only a few of people in my life that bring me to that place. One where my nature is tried and the measure of patience God has given me wears thin.
I try and take the high road. Sometimes I stumble and fall a bit but I get up and brush myself off and set the pace again. (Yes I know you all are thinking I fall a lot anyway. LOL)
God has made me tough with everything I’ve been through I’m still standing. I still push through the ugly to get to the beautiful.
Today I woke up feeling less than. Not sure why maybe it’s hormones maybe it’s the enemy telling me I’m not worthy. Three A.M. this morning I woke up upset and began to pray. I wish this growth thing was easy but it’s not. I still say things I shouldn’t put my foot in my mouth occasionally and am too honest with people sometimes. I get better every day though at least I think I do.
If I am not and you catch me falling please pick me up and point me up hill.
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