Shatter the Pot

I was married to Bill for 11 years. I married him because I loved him. I look back know and I also married him to get out of my house and a horrible situation. I knew that was the only way I was going to be allowed to leave. But that is another story for another day.

At the end my ex husband had 4 affairs that I knew about. Who knows how many he really had and he ended up marrying the last affair. But again that is another story for another day.

You needed that info however for today's story.

During that horrible and painful time in my life I went to a fantastic church. I was lead singer on the worship team and I had wonderful friends there. I worked with the Jr. High kids too and that was great fun.This church that shall remain nameless was a Vineyard church and very Charismatic. The Pastor was a great teacher and seemed very caring and kind.

I turned Thirty the year of my divorce and it was 1994.Towards the end of my marriage and the great turmoil and conflict that was happening the Pastor one day gave me a prophetic word from the Lord. He said " I (the Lord) had to shatter the pot which was made of clay in order to make a new pot out of gold. I shall bring you through this painful shattering and my hands will make you gold." I knew then that my marriage was over but I hung in there because I didn't want to believe he was having yet another affair.Well he was ,with our married neighbor and the pot did indeed shatter.It was a horrible time in my life.

The church and Pastor was so wonderful and I felt comfortable to go into the church and lay at the alter and cry. The worship team rallied around me and the Pastor and his wife befriended me and helped me through. It was the way Christians were supposed to be.

Until.....I can't say when it actually started it just creeped up like a cancer. At the time I worked almost right next door to the church so I would go over every Tuesday for morning prayer with the staff. It helped comfort me during this horrible time. Then one day the Pastor ask me to lunch and we went and played pool after eating. He was a very kind man about 20 years older than I. He seemed to really care about me which I didn't get from my real Dad so I thrived on his attention. It was very innocent at least from my part.

I was struggling to feed Kayle and I because her father wasn't paying child support and the Pastor offered me the Bookstore Managers position which was now a paying job. It took me a couple of nights a week but helped immensely with my financial situation.I found that when I was there stocking the Pastor (Let's call him Jim) Jim stayed late or found reasons to be there and he would come help me and we would talk. It was nice to have someone to talk to. He would hug me good bye and the feeling was wonderful. However, one day Jim looked very nervous he brought me a gift. It was the new Amy Grant tape and he said he needed to talk to me. So we went in his office after Pastor school ( yes I had started going to Pastor's school) he sat down really nervous and told me that he had fallen in love with me. He wanted me to know that I did nothing wrong but that he was struggling with his feelings and he was going to distance himself from me until he could get a grip on it. It made me very sad because I had come to rely on his counsel and time to help me get through my horrible divorce.At some point things changed with him and he told me that he would be able to handle how he felt. I was naive and believed him.

We started having lunch again and talking and I started dating the guitar player at church. He was a very very talented guy and for the first time in a long time I was excited about the possibility of a new relationship. We went out a few times and managed to stay physically pure however much later in the story I found out that he was struggling with that. He went to see Pastor Jim about it. Jim told him that the Lord had someone special for me and it wasn't the guitar player and if he continued he would not be blessed. Mr Guitar dropped me like a hot potato. My self esteem took yet another hit.

Then it was Christmas.....It was my first Christmas unmarried. I was very poor and Kayle and I lived in a one room apartment and slept in the same room. A lady from work gave me a 3ft fake Christmas tree to use but I had no money for presents. One day at work I was called to the front desk and there was bouquet of roses there for me. On the card was Day 12 of the 12 Days of Christmas from someone who loved me. I was excited and ask who had brought them. Our receptionist had gone to my church a few times and said she thought it was Pastor Jim. I didn't know what to think. From that day on I got something every day. On day 10 it was a $100 gift certificate to Toys R us so I could buy presents. On day 5 it was $50 to Victoria's secret, day 4 was an entire outfit of cloths in my size. Every day seemed more and more personal. Day 1 was a box full of mistletoe and a card signed with XX's and OO's. I didn't know what to do. I was very uncomfortable but I loved the attention. What attention starved woman wouldn't?I thanked Jim and went on as usually with a few awkward moments through in when I found myself trapped in a room with him alone. Nothing physical ever happened but I have a feeling all I would have had to do was say yes.

I had started dating a man from my work. Mike is my husband now and one of the best things that has happened to me. Mike was not a Christian and didn't go to our church. Jim had no way to get to him. Mike started attending church with me occasionally and ended up giving his life to the Lord. Jim was very possessive I found out and since he couldn't scare Mike off he thought I guess that he would try his hand scaring me away from Mike.One day I was called in his office and he had written what he called a Prophecy the Lord had given him. It was four pages long. It said that I was a liar and that the Lord was very displeased with me. It said lots of things but the most damaging was that I was in sin and if I married Mike the Lord would take my voice away for my disobedience. I would never be able to minister again in song. I was devastated. I love singing it was the one thing that helped me get through all the rough times. Jim also said that he had let our music minister and his wife read it to make sure he was hearing from God. I was horrified. These two people had no idea what Jim had been doing and saying to me and now they thought I was doing something horrible.

I went home and cried for days and prayed a lot. I had been through such a horrible year that I thought I would just curl up and die. During my crying out to God I heard....Yep heard a voice. That doesn't happen to me often but it did that day. I heard him tell me the name of a church and a Pastor and he told me to take my prophecy to him and let him read it and do what he said.So I did. I had never heard of this man or his Church before but I found it and made an appointment. I told him that I got this prophecy from my Pastor and what the Lord had told me to do. Nothing else. He read the four pages and looked up at me with tears in his eyes. He apologised for Pastoral abuse in general and told me to get away from this man because he had an unhealthy tie to me. He told me not to go back to this church ever again and that this was all a lie for the pit of hell. I thanked him with lots of tears and left and did just as he said with one exception.

I had my hands in so many ministries that I couldn't just leave and not say anything. So I went back one last time. Jim's wife had gotten very ill and he wasn't there that day. I resigned to the Music minister without explanation and left a resignation letter on Jim's desk.I never looked back. It was very hard after that to want to join a church. There was a lot of self doubt about my voice for years after that. But I went on to marry Mike and we have been happy for 14 years now.

The people of the church started tons of rumors that I was pregnant or that I had hurt someone there. No one ever knew the truth and when I would run into people from their they would treat me horrible.I found out a few years later that Jim was having inappropriate relationships with women again and it had gotten him in trouble. He eventually lost his church.I guess the Lord knows what he is doing when he Shatters a Pot.